Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Shoplifting as a career plan.

After the latest news that shoplifting will be dealt with less than dropping litter in the street I think it has now opened up to be a more acceptable career path and should be advertised as such. Like all careers there are pros and cons. For example the Police get to arrest and kill innocent people but the downside is 2.5% of the time they may be wet by having to go outside. You can see that you can't have everything in a job.

So let's look at the career path for a shoplifter.

Like all career paths you need to practise your technique. Start young, after all by 12 you generally know if you have a chance of learning to read/write and/or do sums. Start small, the local sweet shop or corner store, they won't have sophisticated equipment nor people willing to wait 10 hours for a copper to get there so you can claim you were molested. The worst that can happen is you get banned. How did you get caught? Learn from your mistakes.

Then as you gain experience you can move to the big chains. This is the more lucrative market as you can sell this stuff on for a reasonable amount. But, as with all things, the greater the prize the greater the risk. Well, when I say risk it's relative. After all you are not going to get hurt or maimed at work by machinery or in an accident getting to work in rush hour. No, it will only be mental such as embarrassment or shame but after a while you will become immune. A bit like bee keepers and electricians getting used to being stung or shocked. Only you will manage it quicker. All you need to do is keep your head low for a few months after you have been caught, go back to the low risk stores and keep yourself going. Don't forget as well as the income from the goods you acquire you will have some money from the government to keep you in your basics plus free dental and health care paid for by the suckers who also subsidise the goods you acquire. Either via insurance or a premium on the goods. So it's not really hurting anyone as such.

Like everyone else you worry about the future, where is my latest fix coming from, what's on the telly tonight and so on. Pension paid for by those suckers again and you don't have to contribute a bean. Plus those suckers will get kicked out of their homes to pay for their old age and you won't. Stay where you have put down your roots.

The best bit is it is not as bad as speeding, parking incorrectly or not putting your bins out at the right time. After all these serious crimes have severe penalties where as yours is seen as just a bit of a lark and is treated as such.

And if you ever feel down about what you are doing. Shrug it off. If stealing from other people, having no skills and being a parasite is good enough for our politicians it's good enough for you. After all if it was bad there would be some sort of punishment.

The downside however is that your declarable income will not really get you a mortgage so you will just have to stay in one of the local council houses. Get yourself down there as soon as you are able and make sure you get your share. It's only right that you get what is yours. Don't forget to claim some money for a cooker, bed etc. Oh and if your bird is a bit of a goer and you want to keep her then get her up the duff. That will increase all your benefits and you will have someone to help give you some sort of cover for your activities. Prams are great for hiding things in and nothing distracts like a baby. You could make it a family business if the missus wants to get involved.

Oh almost forgot. Career progression. Once you have a fence there will be lots of other areas you can expand into. Guns, drugs, DVD copying, fly tipping (careful with this one it's a high risk of getting caught but with toxic chemicals or general rubbish is a lucrative business). Once you have your DVD set up going it appears you need to send a percentage to a terrorist group. It's some sort of rule. Gerry Adams may be a good contact as I understand his political career is going downhill.

That's it then. As you can see much better than slaving in a dead end 9-5 job where you hardly bring anything home after paying taxes and putting money in a pension. No skills required and you work the hours you want. Can you see yourself with any job better than that?

7 Comments:

At 7:56 pm, Blogger james higham said...

You need to mention, I think, Bag, that pre-school training could be carried out in the great cities of Italy where pickpocketing is supposedly not bad at developing the reflexes.

 
At 8:49 pm, Blogger Bag said...

James, that would require them to pick up a skill. The kids leaving our schools have no chance there. That is why they are a protected minority in the UK. Soon you won't be able to call out 'Stop thief' or be reported for some form of discrimination.

 
At 11:49 pm, Blogger Crushed by Ingsoc said...

It seems to be some sort of recognition that there is a whole underclass for whom there is no role in our society.
We tolerate it, because we can't stop it and it's better than them mugging people in the street.

 
At 12:41 pm, Blogger mike said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:11 pm, Blogger Will said...

Unless things change (and there's no indication that they will), it will serve you well even when you are past it in the job market (over 32). You can carry on doing this until you are in your 80s and later. And if things do change, and you get banged up, it will be done with compassion in an open prison, which will be more interesting than a dreary council retirement home.

 
At 12:44 pm, Blogger Henry Crun said...

I have a better idea. Ship them to Saudi Arabia on the pretext of a "how to get better at shiplifting scheme". With a bit of luck, hey will all find themselves on the wrong end of a scimitar and won't be able to nick anything at all when they get deported.

 
At 10:56 pm, Blogger Bag said...

Henry, They won't go. They would be frightened of leaving Mummy.

 

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